Bonnie Harris parenting specialist for 25 years in the united states. Bonnie is one of the rare parenting expert who address parent behavior, and how our childhood experience shapes our parenting style .
Most parenting school address how kids listen to parents and nothing address the parent behavior and how unresolved issue from childhood affect the way we raise our children
This topic was very attractive to me when I started to study parenting, as an Egyptian and knowing that most of us has been raised by the common negative tools “ Yell, scream, you have to do this!, if you don’t you will see!, I am upset from you !!, you are bad today!!” and we un-consciously repeat these negative tools even you use to hate it when we were young
This drive me to interview the expert Bonnie Harris to explain what brought her to address parent behavior and how can parents improve their skills even for the culture who were living in very stressful life like us and brought up with such negative tools.
It all start when we became conscious ,when we start the parenting practice step by step and supporting each other for making the change
Bonnie introducing herself in the interview
“I change my career after I had my second child Molly. First I had a boy who was an easy child, had few tantrum, cooperative. I thought I am an excellent parent who knows everything about the positive parenting skills
Then came my second child who makes me out of control , who pushed all my buttons
I found myself reacting to her, saying word I never imagine I could say it , although I have my master degree in parenting ,give parenting classes teaching mothers and fathers how to communicate effectively with their kids
I realised that I reacted to her very badly, we fight every morning to woke up and go to school
Then I had a moment where I stopped and ask myself why did I behave that negatively? Why did I yell at her?
I figure out that I was thinking she is a bad girl , doing this on purpose , she wants to upset me , she wants to ruin my day
When I realise that my behavior with her totally change. I switch from anger to compassion, and with compassion everything can be solved
I started to see my daughter differently and to know that she is miserable, the transition of going to school was hard for her
I acknowledge that I understand her problem that I know she doesn’t want to go to school , that it is hard for her .
She felt completely understood and accepted
We get dressed , we played together for a game , that we remain doing it for years
In my parenting years of experience I never met a parent who doesn’t love their child but I met many parents who doesn’t accept their child. I mean acceptance with all their negative attitude , their stubbornness , tantrum,….
Me saying to Bonnie ” when I say to parents in my classes your example and how parent need to think of the reason of their behavior and how this can make them be a thinking, proactive parent.
They tell me we are living in a very stressful life , we don’t have time ,foreigners don’t have the same stress”
Bonnie answer “ All parents from different culture say the same answer , all of them find excuses for themselves, and blame their child as this is the easy solution.
Parent want to make their child responsible for that behavior which is a total immature way of thinking . the parent is 100% responsible for his anger, for the way he communicate with his child
It is normal that you get angry, every parent on the planet face such moments, but the problem when we don’t take responsibility and try to improve”
Me : “Bonnie could you please elaborate on how childhood shape our parenting style, some parents tell me in the class I act the same as my mother , even my tone of voice when I scream to my child is the same as my other, although I use to hate it”
Bonnie: “When we were young we all got message from our parents, people close to us, that we are bad, not clever, stupid… those message get stored in our subconscious mind and when we become parents and we face challenging moments with our children, we got stressed, out of control, we lose our conscious mind, and our unconscious mind start to work and those message start to get out.
Me : “Bonnie when I asked parents in my class to try to think of any situation that upset them from their parents how it affect them, most of them say I don’t remember “
Bonnie : “ Yes most of them say so ,they don’t want to remember, it is not nice in there, in their childhood, there is a lot of bad incident that they don’t want to remember”
Me: “ As per my study with Hand in Hand parenting organisation I understand that the best tool to address those unresolved issue, so not to pass it to children is by expressing out with someone you trust, get it out instead of leaving it stored for years affecting us unconsciously
This on of the aim of my parenting classes to support parents to talk about childhood, it is very challenging as many parents don’t know how important it is and how it might impact next generation
But as mention earlier positive change can happen when parents are aware, conscious, proactive and willing to do to the change for the well-being of their children, and of the next generations.